EmpathicWriter
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How I turned two frogs into two princes. (And no, I didn't kiss them.)

11/4/2012

4 Comments

 
Rush-hour, south-bound Red Line.  Chicago public transit commuters know what this means: crowded and crude.

This past Thursday evening, I got sandwiched between two men who were smack dab in the middle of a loud and highly detailed discussion about their favorite porn. They acted as if they were the only two on the train.
  One of them said he liked to get down while watchin' a woman get gang-banged.

Did I mention I was standing right in between these frogs?  Their nasty, disrespectful words flamed.  Sliced.  Reduced.

I was a four-alarm fire, and I completely understood commuters' rage at that moment.  The swampy disregard for all the women who surrounded them... and me, who could feel them bump against my hips (again, rush-hour + south-bound = standing-room only) while they loudly recalled many of their favorite porn stars by name, with explicit reasons about why they liked what they liked.

Everyone sighed, grunted and rolled their eyes in disgust, but no one said anything.

And maybe, had I not been close-enough-to-bump, I would have popped in my earbuds, and tried my best to ignore them, too.  But I wasn't.  So I couldn't.


I decided I would clear this atmosphere.  But how?  Empathically, of course ;-)

For the past couple months, I've participated in a weekly Empathy Circle.  Every Saturday for 2 hours, Edwin Rutsch (El Cerrito, CA), Lidewij Niezink, Ph.D. (Groningen, Netherlands), Alice Aird (Victoria, Australia) and I (Chicago, IL) connect via Googlehangout.  We do so to develop our shared intention to "build a culture of empathy."  That might sound like a lofty goal, but this post is about a real-world application of doing that very thing, while riding the subway.


The first thing I did was choose the place I would speak from.  Let's be clear, I was pissed off.  Not angry.  Pissed.  The negative feelings I had about their praise of a young woman being gang-banged were as low a vibration as the the loud filth they were talking.  Sexuality is beautiful, and I've seen sexually explicit material that I've deeply appreciated.  So this wasn't coming from me being uptight or prudish.  I was triggered because circumstances had forced me into super-close proximity with highly disrespectful content that I couldn't easily escape.  So, respect is what I reached for.  In myself, and in them.  In my mind, I created a bubble that held the three of us.  I then filled that bubble with this simple thought-form: "I respect you, and you respect me."

The first word out my mouth wasn't immediately true.  I spoke to what I wanted to be true in that moment -- I called them, "Gentlemen."  Turning to my left, and then my right, I looked them both directly in the eye and said, "Gentlemen, I'm offended by your conversation, and I'm asking you to stop. Please stop your conversation."

They were flustered for a moment, and then the man on my right said, "You're right, ma'am.  I'm sorry."

I really believe, somehow, they felt my intention not to judge, condemn or fear them.  For the remaining 20 minutes of our shared ride, we actually got into an enjoyable conversation about gender-relations.  I asked them, "Would you talk that way in front of your Mothers, Sisters, Daughters, Nieces?"  They openly admitted that they wouldn't.  "Well, maybe you could give the same consideration to Mothers, Sisters, Daughters and Nieces who aren't yours?"  They received the suggestion, and even thanked me for it.  There was genuine rapport between us, and our whole lil' section of the train-car had a feeling of upliftment, like something clean and fragrant had just swept through it.

Believing in the humanity of every soul, including my own, is an empathic choice.  Sometimes, we'll be called to see the desired end, from the beginning.  Start from the atmosphere or experience you want to be true.  Trust in your ability to bring that adjustment into actuality.  Little steps, taken again and again.  When space is made for the height of our potential, it's pure joy to see us rise into it.

How do you feel about believing in the goodness of yourself/others, and calling it forth when it seems to be hiding?
4 Comments
Square-Peg Karen link
11/23/2012 08:20:02 am

Oh! First, just that: Ohhhhhhhh!

And then I want to tell you that tears are welling in my eyes. The truth - the BEAUTY in this post and the one below (which is as far as I've read so far -- I have an idea that the rest of your blog will likewise bless me) are astounding. I cannot tell you how these have touched my heart, opened me to opening my heart wider.

When I worked as a therapist I saw first-hand what a gift anger is - but I rarely think of that anymore; nor is it exactly common knowledge (how often do we see/read people covering it over - badmouthing it?).

Thank you HUGELY for sharing your writing!

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Erika Harris link
11/23/2012 12:01:39 pm

First, I love square pegs.

Second, thank YOU, for showing up and sharing your insights. I'm really gladdened by your visit, and comment, Karen.

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Tanya
2/17/2015 05:53:42 am

Beloved Erika,
Your words allowed me touch that place of beauty and truth within, to be moved to tears- literally. I thank you for uplifting us all through your presence, your actions, your words. You are the gift.
And I had to giggle too. I do the same thing, but with high vibin energy. When I see people arguing or fighting in a public space in a way that spirals us all down I blast them with high frequencies until there is silence. Stillness. I often see them looking around in confusion. What just happened?! Big smiles...I thank you. xox

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Grace Kerina link
2/28/2015 04:37:54 am

Dear Erika, you lift me up with your story. I read it a few days ago (for the first time) and I've been carry it around with me like the jewel it is, enjoying the way the light shines off it and the sound of it ringing through my soul. Thanks so much for, first of all, doing what you did the way you did it, and, second, sharing it. Much love – Grace

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